me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
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Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
an airline just for babies.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?