[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
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Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?