Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
You Might Also Like
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.