SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
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I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine