Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
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A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.