(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
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the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke