I would give up shouting at trees for you.
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Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.