No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
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People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.