CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
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If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon