I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
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“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
This is a bad sign
Auto correct is my worst enema.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning