At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
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Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys