Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
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Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”