Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
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A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx