Put a ring on it
You Might Also Like
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I have many caverns
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done