Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
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I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
this could fix me
ok this is my dumbest yet
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.