People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
You Might Also Like
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”