Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
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Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?