Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
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him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way