Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
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A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
181.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
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I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.