A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
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Rooting for the overdog
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.