Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦