This is a bad sign
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I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”