me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
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My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”