I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
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GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Pringles
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.