[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
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[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Alexa: *deep breath*
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Meowchelangelo
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.