Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
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How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”