When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
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Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.