Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
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Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
next level snooze
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?