want me to check your oil?
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age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake