divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
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Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.