watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.