My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
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Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new