I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
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Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it