What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
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I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I think this should do it.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..