The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
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roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.