nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
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Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors