I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
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Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
lmfao come on
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)