Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
You Might Also Like
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Cat is stressing him out.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.