I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
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Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey