if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
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Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason