Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
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Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”