God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
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My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
just got my engagement photos
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!