Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
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Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Oh hi lol
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.