*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
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I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.