Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
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man: wait
time: no
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.