I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
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Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Baking is just science you can eat.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.