If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
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[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time