When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….