I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
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I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
So, can we agree on 4 or
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.