Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
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GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind